All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom, and host a Bible Study at my house with a white picket fence. I wanted to take great care of my kids and husband, and passionately love Jesus – within my comfort zone. I did not think I was capable of anything beyond that. I never felt smart or particularly gifted. Although I always had a creative flare, it didn’t seem valuable.
Years of disappointment and pain had a shattering effect on my belief in God’s call on my life.
I reduced His plan for me to one of comfort and security. Surely, He would not ask me to do anything crazy–like be a missionary! I thought asking Him for a house and a family was simple enough for Him to grant. It is not that I was asking for too much; I was asking for far too little.
His dreams for my life were so much bigger than my own.
Isn’t that so often the case?
In the past few years, I began to question if that was really all God had for me, even though I found some aspects of a comfortable, normal life appealing. He was stirring something in me that I could not ignore.
Even though I sensed that he had “more” for me, He did not reveal what it was, and that really bothered me. (Honestly, I am so tired of that word. It is so nebulous and non-descriptive.)
I felt like my future was such a mystery (still do, actually). I was dissatisfied in my job, so I started pursuing a college degree. But after two semesters of “fun classes,” and studying abroad in Paris, college had lost its appeal.
I still felt unsatisfied. Lost. Undirected.
I begged and pleaded, yet still He did not answer. I was finally starting to believe that He actually had something big to tell me – but silence…crickets!
Why was my calling such a mystery? Why was God ignoring my questions and keeping my future so unclear and unrevealed? Why did He reveal it to so many others, but not to me?
For so long it seemed like God ignored me. Most of my friends and family members could clearly see and articulate where their lives were headed and what God wanted to do with them.
To say I was discouraged would be an understatement. Although I had no answers to my questions, I began to hope that someday, He would answer them.
Then I met Brian who, on our third date, told me he had a call to the Nations. I told him I did not know what I was called to, but I was open to whatever God had in mind. One year later he proposed. When he asked me to marry him, I knew I was saying yes to not only him, but also to supporting the call God had put in his heart. I was saying yes to a future that entailed a less than normal life.
I said yes to Brian and a future with him because I believed that he was the man God had brought into my life to marry. In fact, I knew very early in our relationship that he was the one. I just did not know how God would fit our callings together, since mine was still a question mark and I did not feel called to be a missionary.
I had reduced my calling to a feeling, instead of a conviction.
Since I did not feel called to be a missionary, I guess I am not called to be one. All the missionaries I knew were passionate die-hards who knew they were meant to be a missionary their whole lives and would not be satisfied until they got to GO!
I felt unsatisfied with my life here but didn’t feel like I was supposed to go there.
What was I supposed to do?